Give up the need to be right all the time!

On I-Day eve, I was watching Sir Richard Attenborough’s classic ‘Gandhi’ and was reflecting on the Mahatma’s immortal perspective: “An eye for an eye, will make the whole world blind.” Earlier in the week, the media had reported the unfortunate incident of two teenage kabbadi players quarreling over the usage of a pedestal fan leading to one of them murdering the other in a fit of fury.

These two contrasting experiences got me thinking. Why do people argue, fight and go to the extent of killing each other? Why are young people increasingly becoming combative and self-destructive?

There can be various socio-economic factors contributing to this dangerous trend. But let us consider how we can arrest it. If each of us resolves to listen to what the other person is saying and appreciate the fact that just as we are entitled to our opinion, others are too, the world around us will emerge more peaceful. Simply, we must give up our need to be right all the time. Think about this deeply. From the time you back-answered your parents for the first time, as an adolescent, you developed this destructive habit of wanting to be right. When you were told no TV till homework is done, you stomped out of the room, kicking at furniture or swearing. This immature resistance soon became a rigid mindset. So, when you were advised not to drink and drive, you felt your father was being too old-fashioned. Or when your family encouraged you to exercise caution in your choice of life partner, you hardly paid heed. Soon, the tendency to want be independent became an addiction to be right every time, about everything, irrespective of whether you were actually right or not. You carried the mindset into your work life too. Your boss, therefore, was never respected for his/her experience. On the contrary you loathed his/her saying things that you did not like. Result: you stopped learning from your boss. And succumbed to a universal thinking trap of imagining that you know and are better than your boss and that the only reason why you would not take on the boss was protocol/hierarchy.

Recently I met a CEO who had achieved the impossible task of turning around a completely written-off, loss-making hospitality company. He accomplished this feat in under three years. And shocked industry insiders with the turnaround story because he did not possess a hospitality industry background at all. I asked him how he made this possible. He replied: “I listened to every viewpoint. I kept telling my team that there was no reason why my way or opinion was the only right one. This helped me gain their confidence. And, importantly, gave me fresh perspectives that helped me plot the right strategy for turning around the business.”

I want to elevate this learning and takeaway to a higher plane. Remember that the life source that keeps us all alive__oxygen__is the same for everyone. In that sense, we are all equal. Arguments, disputes, animosity and enmity comes when people see others are superior or inferior to themselves. How can two people who breathe the same life source be unequal? So, if we are all equal, what is the harm in allowing another point of view__however divergent it may be from your own__to be stated? When this simple truth of life sinks in, we let go of our need to be right all the time. Apart from making relationships more meaningful and lasting, it helps in making you, the individual, less agitated. Because, each time you fight to prove a point, there is avoidable agitation in you. When you stay agitated for prolonged periods of time you develop lifestyle diseases like hypertension, diabetes and stress. It is like driving your car with the hand brake pulled up at all times. Release that hand brake, let go of your need to be right, and watch how smoothly you navigate the rest of this wondrous journey called life.

Learnings:
1.How can two people who breathe the same life source be unequal?
2.So, if we are all equal, what is the harm in allowing another point of view__however divergent it may be from your own__to be stated?
3.When this simple truth of life sinks in, we let go of our need to be right all the time.

Leveraging Failure

Recently I was co-anchoring a workshop for over 100 MBA and Engineering Graduates at Tirupathi. In working with them I realized each of them had tremendous leadership potential and boundless energy.

One of the exercises we challenged them with was to create value for all 100 of them with just Rs.1,000/- as start-up resource__and in just 50 minutes! We divided them into five teams and let them go for it. Incredibly, they just did it. Each of the teams came up with original, practical, value creation ideas that would have put established entrepreneurs and innovators to shame. And no, these young men and women, were not from the IIMs and IITs. They were from the second and third-ranked graduate schools from across the country.

On the drive back to Chennai, I couldn’t stop wondering how many of these 100 folks will actually emerge as successful organisational and/or community leaders? Actually, all of them can and must. But, in reality, only a handful will.

Why will the majority of them not make the grade when they actually have the potential to be extra-ordinary? The answer, gleaned from over 25 years of experience in dealing with people, is simple. Most will fall into a comfort zone trap, choosing to be unambitious and mediocre. They may have the zest in the early part of their careers but failures__or inability to manage situations__with difficult projects, with tough bosses, with hostile organisational environments and indifferent peer groups__will force them to get off the road to extra-ordinarydom. Some of them may even get depressed with the ‘system’ and shrink into a shell.

Let’s be sure. Failure, which is nothing but a ‘current’ inability to manage and overcome a challenge or situation, can and must be managed. Notice the word ‘current’ there? It is, therefore, not a ‘permanent’ disability. In fact, failure, because it is always ‘temporary’, must be leveraged.

One of the principal reasons why young professionals are unable to understand this simple truth is because of the way our education system works and conditions us. In academia, there is a curriculum, there is (theoretically!) coaching and there is an examination of our learnings. Life, on the other hand, is a hard teacher that gives the test first and the lesson later. In academia you can cry foul if your question paper is set out of portion or syllabi. You can even demand a re-examination. But in life, several times, your challenges are set both out of portion or even out of proportion. Instead of sulking at the challenges that may confront you, if you looked at the scope for learning that each challenge offers, you will win even if you fail.

Consider a real life situation that you recently faced. For example, you have a ‘Hari Sadu’ kind of boss or a tyrant of a professor or a bunch of peers who are not serious about the project you have been entrusted. If you managed to encounter and overcome this situation, after initially being foxed and imagining that you can’t handle it, you will have discovered a latent potential in you. Eureka! And if you failed, you will have learnt what not to do with/in such situations. Wisdom! In reality, therefore, either way, you have won.

This is the beauty and essence of life. Each challenge has been placed in front of you to help you overcome your inhibitions and attempt a solution. And for you to learn from the experience, either good or bad.

Remember, all of us fell off our bicycles when we first rode them and skinned our knees and elbows. But we learnt from that experience and were soon able to balance ourselves. That’s how you deal with failure in any context.

Learnings:

1. Embrace each challenge that comes your way.

2. When you succeed, to be sure, you will feel exalted. When you fail, you will grow wiser.

3.And it is wisdom__from experience__ that is your ultimate wealth. It cannot be bought or borrowed. It can only be gained from leveraging failure.