Give up the need to be right all the time!

On I-Day eve, I was watching Sir Richard Attenborough’s classic ‘Gandhi’ and was reflecting on the Mahatma’s immortal perspective: “An eye for an eye, will make the whole world blind.” Earlier in the week, the media had reported the unfortunate incident of two teenage kabbadi players quarreling over the usage of a pedestal fan leading to one of them murdering the other in a fit of fury.

These two contrasting experiences got me thinking. Why do people argue, fight and go to the extent of killing each other? Why are young people increasingly becoming combative and self-destructive?

There can be various socio-economic factors contributing to this dangerous trend. But let us consider how we can arrest it. If each of us resolves to listen to what the other person is saying and appreciate the fact that just as we are entitled to our opinion, others are too, the world around us will emerge more peaceful. Simply, we must give up our need to be right all the time. Think about this deeply. From the time you back-answered your parents for the first time, as an adolescent, you developed this destructive habit of wanting to be right. When you were told no TV till homework is done, you stomped out of the room, kicking at furniture or swearing. This immature resistance soon became a rigid mindset. So, when you were advised not to drink and drive, you felt your father was being too old-fashioned. Or when your family encouraged you to exercise caution in your choice of life partner, you hardly paid heed. Soon, the tendency to want be independent became an addiction to be right every time, about everything, irrespective of whether you were actually right or not. You carried the mindset into your work life too. Your boss, therefore, was never respected for his/her experience. On the contrary you loathed his/her saying things that you did not like. Result: you stopped learning from your boss. And succumbed to a universal thinking trap of imagining that you know and are better than your boss and that the only reason why you would not take on the boss was protocol/hierarchy.

Recently I met a CEO who had achieved the impossible task of turning around a completely written-off, loss-making hospitality company. He accomplished this feat in under three years. And shocked industry insiders with the turnaround story because he did not possess a hospitality industry background at all. I asked him how he made this possible. He replied: “I listened to every viewpoint. I kept telling my team that there was no reason why my way or opinion was the only right one. This helped me gain their confidence. And, importantly, gave me fresh perspectives that helped me plot the right strategy for turning around the business.”

I want to elevate this learning and takeaway to a higher plane. Remember that the life source that keeps us all alive__oxygen__is the same for everyone. In that sense, we are all equal. Arguments, disputes, animosity and enmity comes when people see others are superior or inferior to themselves. How can two people who breathe the same life source be unequal? So, if we are all equal, what is the harm in allowing another point of view__however divergent it may be from your own__to be stated? When this simple truth of life sinks in, we let go of our need to be right all the time. Apart from making relationships more meaningful and lasting, it helps in making you, the individual, less agitated. Because, each time you fight to prove a point, there is avoidable agitation in you. When you stay agitated for prolonged periods of time you develop lifestyle diseases like hypertension, diabetes and stress. It is like driving your car with the hand brake pulled up at all times. Release that hand brake, let go of your need to be right, and watch how smoothly you navigate the rest of this wondrous journey called life.

Learnings:
1.How can two people who breathe the same life source be unequal?
2.So, if we are all equal, what is the harm in allowing another point of view__however divergent it may be from your own__to be stated?
3.When this simple truth of life sinks in, we let go of our need to be right all the time.

Leveraging Failure

Recently I was co-anchoring a workshop for over 100 MBA and Engineering Graduates at Tirupathi. In working with them I realized each of them had tremendous leadership potential and boundless energy.

One of the exercises we challenged them with was to create value for all 100 of them with just Rs.1,000/- as start-up resource__and in just 50 minutes! We divided them into five teams and let them go for it. Incredibly, they just did it. Each of the teams came up with original, practical, value creation ideas that would have put established entrepreneurs and innovators to shame. And no, these young men and women, were not from the IIMs and IITs. They were from the second and third-ranked graduate schools from across the country.

On the drive back to Chennai, I couldn’t stop wondering how many of these 100 folks will actually emerge as successful organisational and/or community leaders? Actually, all of them can and must. But, in reality, only a handful will.

Why will the majority of them not make the grade when they actually have the potential to be extra-ordinary? The answer, gleaned from over 25 years of experience in dealing with people, is simple. Most will fall into a comfort zone trap, choosing to be unambitious and mediocre. They may have the zest in the early part of their careers but failures__or inability to manage situations__with difficult projects, with tough bosses, with hostile organisational environments and indifferent peer groups__will force them to get off the road to extra-ordinarydom. Some of them may even get depressed with the ‘system’ and shrink into a shell.

Let’s be sure. Failure, which is nothing but a ‘current’ inability to manage and overcome a challenge or situation, can and must be managed. Notice the word ‘current’ there? It is, therefore, not a ‘permanent’ disability. In fact, failure, because it is always ‘temporary’, must be leveraged.

One of the principal reasons why young professionals are unable to understand this simple truth is because of the way our education system works and conditions us. In academia, there is a curriculum, there is (theoretically!) coaching and there is an examination of our learnings. Life, on the other hand, is a hard teacher that gives the test first and the lesson later. In academia you can cry foul if your question paper is set out of portion or syllabi. You can even demand a re-examination. But in life, several times, your challenges are set both out of portion or even out of proportion. Instead of sulking at the challenges that may confront you, if you looked at the scope for learning that each challenge offers, you will win even if you fail.

Consider a real life situation that you recently faced. For example, you have a ‘Hari Sadu’ kind of boss or a tyrant of a professor or a bunch of peers who are not serious about the project you have been entrusted. If you managed to encounter and overcome this situation, after initially being foxed and imagining that you can’t handle it, you will have discovered a latent potential in you. Eureka! And if you failed, you will have learnt what not to do with/in such situations. Wisdom! In reality, therefore, either way, you have won.

This is the beauty and essence of life. Each challenge has been placed in front of you to help you overcome your inhibitions and attempt a solution. And for you to learn from the experience, either good or bad.

Remember, all of us fell off our bicycles when we first rode them and skinned our knees and elbows. But we learnt from that experience and were soon able to balance ourselves. That’s how you deal with failure in any context.

Learnings:

1. Embrace each challenge that comes your way.

2. When you succeed, to be sure, you will feel exalted. When you fail, you will grow wiser.

3.And it is wisdom__from experience__ that is your ultimate wealth. It cannot be bought or borrowed. It can only be gained from leveraging failure.

The path to success, peace and joy!

So, you want to be successful? You want to be rid of all your problems? And you want to experience unadulterated joy__bliss?

Be sure, there’s a simple path to attain success and to be peaceful and joyful. It doesn’t cost as much in real monetary terms as much as it calls for an investment of some time and effort from you. Just set aside an hour a week and set out on this path with a selfless and clear conscience.

Here’s what you do: Choose a day of the week on which you believe you can spare an hour around lunch time. That is, budget an hour between 12.30 PM and 3.00 PM. Either cook a simple meal or takeaway a meal from a decent, qualitative eatery near you. Ideally, this should not cost you more that Rs.70/- per meal. Make sure the meal is packed well, is fresh and hot. Once ready, drive a few blocks around your home or office; within a radius of two to three kilometers. Look for__and you will find them__the most deserving people according to you who need a meal desperately. You may find a destitute or a specially- abled person or even your neighbourhood rag picker. Stop and hand that person the meal. Look into the person’s eyes as you hand the meal, and THANK him/her. Watch him or her accept the meal and graciously accept your sentiment of gratitude. When you walk away from him/her, THANK him/her again. Well, why THANK, you may wonder? Because this person has helped you experience and live, in that moment, the purpose of your creation. Which is to SERVE.

Remember, you, me, every one of the billions of people on the planet has been created to SERVE. And because we have either not understood, discovered or experienced this purpose of our creation, we sometimes spend entire lifetimes searching for why we are here. And most of such lifetimes are spent feeling insecure, worried and frustrated.

So, how can this ‘feeding routine’ make a difference? First, it helps you slow down in your life, and take some quality time to connect with another human being. Do we even realise that we have stopped relating to fellow beings as humans? That power, position, perks and social status come ahead of our basic need to respect another life and appreciate another opinion? When you, through this unique exercise, do connect with a fellow being as another human, and since you don’t have any personal or professional equation with this person, you will, hopefully, approach the relationship with a selflessness, which brings to the surface your true, natural state. Third, in being in harmony with your true, natural state, you will find a rare peace in you. Just as we all breathe to stay alive, we have also to contribute and give__selflessly__to experience bliss__unadulterated joy.

We can learn a lesson or two from Mother Nature here. Have you ever seen a tree demanding anything in return for what it gives us__the oxygen we breathe, the shade we rest in, the fruits that nourish us and the paper that this article is printed on? How often do you find another human who is as selfless? The truth is, nature gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets! The ‘feeding routine’ recommended here actually is an opportunity for us to suppress our acquired (mechanical) instincts, stop running the rat race and for us to feel human again. And when we start feeling human and start living a life of purpose__intelligently__again, we find the milestones, that were eluding us so far, on that path. Those are success, peace and joy.

If you have an urge to immediately dismiss this recommendation as ‘mushy philosophy’, think again. At less than Rs.100 a week, if you believe you can be happy, peaceful and successful, don’t you think that’s a good deal? Well, it’s a steal.

Try it this week. You will want to do this every week going forward__and live happily ever after!

The Learning:
1. The purpose of your creation is to SERVE
2. So, serve, selflessly and without expectation
3. This is your path to success, peace and joy!

How to let go!

We love to cling on to things: opinions, possessions, events, memories. We love to hold on to everything that we can lay our hands on. Resultantly, we are in pain almost all the time.

And yet, we have always been told to let go. Now, that's a dichotomy that we find hard, very hard, to come to terms with. And even harder to deal with.

As we go up the corporate ladder, at every coaching, training and appraisal forum, we are told we must let go, to rise further. When something terrible happens__like the loss of a dear one or losses in a business or loss of a job__we are told by elders and well-wishers alike that we must let go and move on. We attend a discourse to soothe our souls and again we hear the same refrain: 'let go and bliss will follow'.

So, is there a way to let go? Can it be practised? And what's the guarantee that it works?

Be sure, there is a way. But be also sure, like most other things in life, there are no guarantees.

First, accept that letting go is not an option or choice. It is the only way to understand and experience God__and to attain bliss. The key to trying this approach is faith. Keep the faith, all else follows.

To let go of anything__an opinion, an event, a memory or a possession (like a car, a house, a phone or a camera) or a relationship__we must first appreciate our real self. When we came into this world, we came with nothing. No name. No identity. No awareness of our sex. No tastes, no preferences, no opinions. Nothing at all. We just surrendered to the environment around us__which for most of us privileged folks who can read this blog had a, hopefully, happy home with doting parents. We ordered__by wailing__and we were pampered.

Have we ever wondered why we are not in that state of surrender anymore? Why are we not ordering what we want and why don't we have the faith that our wishes, aspirations will be fulfilled? The simple and only reason is that we employ too much of our intellect in living our life. We expect the Universal Creator to do a lot of proving. And given this deeply-held perspective, we just refuse to surrender and accept our real self is the one that had no attachments.

The secret to gaining anything in life__peace, love, prosperity__is to accept our real self and just let go. This involves appreciating the fact just as we are entitled to an opinion, others are too. So, let go of your opinion. Accept that if you lose something__your job, your money, your car, your house, your beloved__whatever, it was ordained. You came with nothing. And you will go with nothing. So, why cling on? Let go, therefore, of what's controlling you. When you practise letting go, you will gain an inner peace, good sleep and will attain bliss.

Learnings:

1. The real self is the one that came with no attachments.
2. All things that control you are things that are preventing your inner growth and taking you away from bliss.
3. Letting go is possible and is the only way to attain bliss.

Life's Essence in a Nursery Rhyme

“Row, Row, Row your Boat,
Gently down the Stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily,
Life is but a Dream!”

Most beautiful things in life are simple. And this nursery rhyme is no exception. As children, how many thousand times would we have sung this rhyme in a loud chorus in class? As we grew up, it faded from our memory. Little did we realise then that these four lines contain the essence of good, intelligent living. Too many young people spend far too much time worrying about life and their future. To be responsible and plan for a sound future is a worthy pursuit. But to be anxious and worry about life is futile. This rhyme is simple, easy to understand and its wisdom is so profound.

“Row, Row, Row your Boat,” Clearly in a choice-less lifetime, where we could not choose how, to whom, when and where we were born and where we cannot choose when we will depart, the only choice we have is to live a good life. And to live means to do our duty, selflessly. Therefore, we must keep rowing, on and on, implores this rhyme. Rowing here, to be sure, points to performing our duty in various roles in life as a child, parent, employee, citizen, human being__diligently and without compromise.

“Gently down the Stream.” Mark the word ‘gently’. Clearly, the message and advice is to not flap your oars with anxiety or to jump around__else the boat will capsize. But to move gently. The implication is to treat this life as ‘a gift’__after all, you didn’t ask to be born, did you? You were gifted this life. So, treat it with dignity. Even at times, when the going is tough, and you imagine you are actually rowing upstream, the rhyme encourages us to realise that it is actually a ‘smooth, naturally inclined, downward’ journey. Which also means that all of us are given situations that we are capable of handling. So, accept the task of navigating through the tough times, and do it with calm and poise, reminds the rhyme.

“Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily,” This means that since you don’t have a choice about rowing your boat, you might as well do it happily, joyfully. This encourages you to savour every moment of the journey. Many a time, we rush through our lives, rarely pausing to drink in its beauty. A child’s smile, the love in someone’s eyes, someone helping the blind cross a road, a bird chirping, a rainbow….every sight, every event is exquisitely crafted for our personal learning and enjoyment. But we are so consumed with ourselves that we miss them. It is like going to the cinema and being engrossed in text-messaging someone, missing important parts of the movie. What then would be our recall of the movie experience? This line, therefore, stresses on the importance of staying in the now and enjoying every moment of life’s journey.

“Life is but a Dream!” That is what it is. What we call a lifetime, is but a nano-second in cosmic parlance. And, even as the debates rage on the subject, there really is no sure way of your remembering what happened here after you are gone from this planet. It is like waking up from your sleep and being unable to remember what you had dreamt about. Would you worry about such a dream for too long in the day or would you just carry on with you work and commitments? The rhyme, in reminding us that life is but a dream, encourages us to leave the past behind and move on. I learnt this all important life lesson from good friends and authors, Matt Weinstein and Ritch Davidson, (‘Managing to have Fun’ and ‘Work like your Dog’), several years ago. And I have shared my interpretation of the rhyme here with you, so that you can soak in its essence and use it to guide you through the calm and__at times__choppy waters of life!

Happy Rowing!

Learnings:

1. Life's a journey!
2. Do your duty. And don't be either anxious or avaricious for the outcome.
3. Don't Worry! Be Happy!!

The Lord Is My Locksmith

A malfunction in the lock of the front door to my apartment has us all locked out today.

Interesting situation. There was anger first. Pain next. Agony in total. It was a searing 42 degrees centigrade in the foyer of our building. And the wait for the locksmith to arrive seemed endless.

Finally, almost two hours later he arrived. And after a quick diagnosis concluded that the lock and the latch (one of those modern locks placed in the latch) , both had to be broken__and condemned.

We trusted his opinion and went with his advice. He started work. It took him, a trained locksmith of several decades of experience, a good hour to pry free the latch and lock combo. Although we had insisted that the door itself should not suffer any damage, he ended up scratching the entire area around the lock with his tools and also left a gaping wedge several inches above the lock, closer to the keyhole, owing to a miscued mini pickaxe heave!

We accepted his worksmanship, thanked him, paid him what he asked for as his professional charges__without a whimper__and went on with our lives.

Later on, after cooling off for a while, I thought through the entire episode. And like a bolt of lightning, the awakening happened.

Here was a closed door. And we called whoever we thought was good with opening a closed door. We trusted the expert's expertise (though we had no first hand knowledge of it), accepted his advice, did not protest his workmanship and moved on.

The question that keeps coming back to me is, do we do it the same way with all closed doors in life? Almost every moment of our lives, we deal with situations like my closed door. And we do turn to the expert__some of us call HIM/HER God__but do we practise the same level of detachment from outcome and place the same amount of 'implicit' trust? Why do we, in life situations, actually try to control what the expert is doing to us? To be sure, when we resist God working on us, we are trying to control. A chip here, a knock there, a lost job, an emotional separation....all these are signs that the God is working on us., doing what is best to get us past that closed door.

But we want instant gratification. The locksmith gets an hour to open the door, but how much are we willing to give God? Without even wanting to know, how complicated our situation is, we expect instant solutions from God. And when that does not happen, we make sweeping and banal judgments like, 'God is not answering my prayers', 'Does God exist?', 'Is God X better than a God Y?'.

How naive can we be? We will trust our locksmith to physically open a door, but we question the best locksmith in the Universe__the one who opens a new door every time one closes?

Learnings:
1. Every closed door will open
2. It requires faith and patience.
3. Faith that the Universe's best locksmith is at work on our door(s) and patience that this wait is part of a larger, personalized cosmic design for us!

Lessons from a 1959 Classic

The movie 'Anari' has a fabulous song which remains my favorite. Not just for the melody but for the lyrics and life's essence captured in the first four lines of the song.

Kisiki Muskuraahaton Pe Ho Nisaar
Kisika Dard Mil Sake To Le Udhaar
Kisike Waaste Ho Tere Dil Mein Pyaar
Jeena Issi Ka Naam Hai....

The ablity to dedicate oneself to another's smile
The ability to borrow someone's sorrow
The ability to love someone from the bottom of your heart
This is life....this is living.....

Here's the full song for all fans of this movie, its director (Hrishida), its lyricists (Hasrat Jaipuri and Shailendra), its music composers (Shanker-Jaikishen) and the singer Mukesh. Of course, not to forget, the irrepressible showman Raj Kapoor.

(Kisiki Muskuraahaton Pe Ho Nisaar
Kisika Dard Mil Sake To Le Udhaar
Kisike Waaste Ho Tere Dil Mein Pyaar
Jeena Issi Ka Naam Hai) -2

(Maana Apni Jeb Se Fakeer Hain
Phir Bhi Yaaron Dil Ke Ham Ameer Hain) -2
Mitte Jo Pyaar Ke Liye Woh Zindagi
Jale Bahaar Ke Liye Woh Zindagi
Kisi Ko Ho Na Ho Hamein To Aitbaar
Jeena Issi Kaa Naam Hai

(Rishta Dil Se Dil Ke Aitbaar Ka
Zinda Hai Hameen Se Naam Pyaar Ka) -2
Ke Mar Ke Bhi Kisi Ko Yaad Aayenge
Kisi Ke Aansuon Mein Muskuraayenge
Kahega Phool Har Kali Se Baar Baar
Jeena Issi Kaa Naam Hai

Kisiki Muskuraahaton Pe Ho Nisaar
Kisika Dard Mil Sake To Le Udhaar
Kisike Waaste Ho Tere Dil Mein Pyaar
Jeena Issi Ka Naam Hai....

This really is what life is all about. To live for others. To share. To make people laugh. And to love all people around us. This is the only way to live__selflessly.

But we are perhaps put off by the simplicity of this Universal Truth. And our rational side takes over arguing,'Hey, this can't be so simple. Besides, why should I be so selfless when everyone around me is amassing__wealth, power, property?" That, indeed, is the tragedy of our lives. We never understand this simplest truth until it is too late!

Learnings:

1. Did you make someone smile today?
2. Did you share someone's sorrow?
3. Did you care for/love someone?
4. If not, it never is too late. Go do it now. This is life. This is living.